I’m a pretty clumsy girl, I get nervous easily and when that happens I say things without thinking which leads me into a variety of situations. My accidental girlfriend Ella is one of consequences of my ridiculous oral reflex.
It starts off with a burlesque show. Or rather, an invitation to one. The city I grew up in is very small, population: 200,000. My close friend Jack is holding a burlesque show for the first time. This is pretty daring since it’s somewhat alternative and there has yet to be any real show like it in these areas! Of course I go to support him, and drag my housemate along with me.
The pub it’s being hosted at is praised as one of the most haunted. The stage is set up with smoke machine and flashing lights. Everything is going to plan, we have one dancer, then a singer and then a game. I’ve never been to a burlesque show before and I wonder if they’re all this interactive? The atmosphere is great though, everyone is joining in, whooping and whistling. Then Jack comes on stage, wearing something I presume was once owned by Beetlejuice and announces our first break.
This should have set a flag up in my head because I was sure there was meant to be one more dancer. Then a girl I had seen earlier on stage comes up to me stating that Jack needs me backstage! Well I wouldn’t turn down the chance to noisy about backstage, I love all things theatrical.
Jack is pacing up and down. He has a crease between his eyebrows that I don’t see often and his face lights up when he sees me.
“Harriet! Thank God! No time to explain, actually, there is time. Lexy Von Noir has twisted her ankle and can’t perform her routine which is going to ruin the show, but you fit the costume so please please please can you do the the dance? I know you’ve never done burlesque, or dancing in front of people before, but’s it’s really simple. Just move to the music and take off your clothes seductively… Please?!”
I’m actually shocked into silence because it’s such a huge and out of the blue thing to ask. However Jack is a very important friend and I’m always up for trying out new things. I change into a Little Red Riding Hood costume that looks a lot like a maid outfit with a red hood. I figure out how it comes on and off, and I quickly listen to the song I’m meant to dance to. Something by NIN that I’ve never heard of…
Before I’m ready for it, Jack is announcing me onto the stage. The music starts up and the smoke covers the stage. I sashay on, realising I don’t even know how to walk on stage properly. I’m greet my cheers and whooping since obviously no one knows i’m not actually meant to be on there!
Soon I’m dancing well enough to attempt to unzip the dress. I’m wearing a beautiful matching underwear set which mercifully compliments the red hood. I spin, I wiggle, I try my hardest not to fall over in the red heels. The crowd loves it and as I gain more confidence my moves become more bold. I bend over and flip the cloak, shaking my bum at them. I turn around and wink. One man in the front wolf whistles and I go down to where he is, lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek before quickly flouncing back on stage!
Somehow I manage to finish the routine without breaking an actual leg. I come off and the show after that is a bit of a blur… At the end though as the guests leaves I am standing at the end of the line shaking hands and thanking people for attending. That’s when this stunning brunette walks up to me.
“Hi. I saw your dance, you were really beautiful!” She says. I sort of gawp at her because she’s very, very pretty. My mouth doesn’t know what to do, so words come out.
“Haha, thanks, you must be a lesbian then!” I joke, although where the joke part is in that I’m not sure.
“Yes! I am actually!” Shit. I’ve made a lesbian joke to an actual lesbian.
“Oh well, then I guess i better ask you out for coffee!” I laugh, trying desperately to cover up my mistake, surely she’ll understand I was joking?
“Yes please!” She replies, radiating smile shining my way. Stunned and now quite sure what I did but we swap numbers and make a coffee date for the following week.