Why doesn’t your girlfriend want to have sex with you? It’s a question we all face. Hopefully it’s only an occasional problem, it’s just tonight that she isn’t in the mood. But why not? And when she doesn’t want to have sex, what can or should you do about it? Have no fear because we’re about to give you the best tips on how to manage without further damage!

Trying to find out why your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex is a key way of fixing the issue. If you’re able to just have a conversation, it will be so much easier than trying to guess. Wait for a time when you’re both relaxed and not in a rush to do anything. Being tired, upset or busy is not helpful when you want to talk things out.

Pick your moment and when it arrives, be considerate. This sounds obvious but being patient, polite and open will help your discussion. Asking her outright why she doesn’t want to have sex can be too abrupt. Instead try asking her how she’s feeling, if there’s anything bothering her and let the conversation open up naturally.

Nobody wants to feel pushed into a corner or be made uncomfortable. So be gentle. If she doesn’t seem to be willing to talk, don’t prod. All that will do is make her close off to you more. Wait for her to want to have a conversation, it might mean waiting but that’s better than pressuring her to talk before she’s ready.

Conversation tips

You might want to try some of the following techniques to open the dialogue.

  • Open vs Closed Questions

Use open ended questions such as: “How are you feeling lately?” rather than using closed questions which are pointed in topic like: “Are you cross?” Open questions invite a reply which is longer than ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ You want to have more than a one word answer so making sure you ask the right question is a key first step.

  • We vs Me

Focus on her and the two of you as a couple. Address it as ‘we’ and ‘our’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘me.’ It’s fine to highlight her needs but don’t risk making her feel guilty.

Even if you feel like you’re being neglected due to the lack of sex, approach it by saying: “I want to please you and for us to enjoy intimacy together so that we’re closer as a couple” rather than something like, “I don’t think you like having sex with me anymore.”

  • Positive & Negative balance

You don’t want to be negative so balance any possible ‘bad’ points with positives. Rather than telling her that you feel rejected or frustrated when she doesn’t want sex, explain that you enjoy getting intimate with her and want to share that closeness regularly for you to both enjoy it.

Reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep with you

There are lots of reasons why your girlfriend might not want to have sex. This could range from it being a stressful or tiring period due to work or personal reasons to her just feeling a bit off. Talking will help you work out what’s going on but some possible explanations are:

  • Her libido (sex drive) is lower than yours/than usual. As explained in our article on periods, hormones play a major role in a woman’s sex drive and can cause it to increase as well as decrease. Understanding what’s going on with her body will help you to know what to expect and how to work around it. For more advice on this, check out: Period sex: why you should try it and how to do it right
  • Stress – being stressed out is a major buzzkill. Whether it’s something in your personal life or pressure at work, stress can knock your vibe. Focusing on taking time out to relax and unwind will help ease the load. Sex might not be on the top of the menu but spending a good time with someone you like will help her to chill out.
  • Busy – being busy makes you tired. When you’re worn out, sex isn’t really on the agenda and who can blame you? It’s the same for everyone and for women, being busy can have more effect sometimes than on men. Whereas you might feel the pressure but still want to bone despite being tired, the rush of being busy can have more of an emotional impact on women. Also, men typically have higher sex drives than women so while you might still want to get frisky, she might just want a quiet night in.

How is your relationship?

  • Relationship difficulties. It doesn’t always mean that there’s anything wrong if your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex. Sometimes she’s just not in the mood but if it’s a regular issue in your bedroom, having a conversation about whether you’re both happy could help clear the air. Sex and Love are more connected to women in ways than they are for men. Whereas men can often compartmentalise different aspects of their life, women usually see more of an overlap between them.
  • Chemistry: you might be madly in love with someone but not quite match up in the bedroom. Sometimes things get a little rusty, finding ways of spicing things up and maintaining the connection between you will help restore the fire. If you need ideas, check out our article on 9 male erogenous zones you should ask your girlfriend to touch you .
  • Insecurities: You might think your girlfriend is gorgeous and perfect just as she is but she might not always feel that way. Sometimes a woman can feel insecure about some aspect of her appearance or her own person. It may not be anything real but is simply how she perceives herself to be. Due to this, it might be harder at times for her to want to engage intimately with someone. She may feel fat, less sexy or not be as confident as usual. It might be that she feels uneasy about your relationship due to spending more time apart. Any range of things could make her more reserved, reassuring her that you find her attractive through regular compliments and showing your care for her through TLC will go a long way towards helping solve anything like this.

External factors

It could be that you’re struggling to find time to yourselves. Whether due to having housemates, children or family around. Try to carve out some quality time when the two of you can just enjoy being together. Hire a baby sitter, get a date night in when your housemate is out or plan a trip away to a hotel to escape the family.

Health can also affect how a woman feels about sex. If you’re concerned that she may be unwell, gently raise the topic and talk about your options. It’s unlikely to be anything serious but reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex could entail a general dip in health or just hint at something being amiss down below.

If your girlfriend sometimes finds sex uncomfortable, speak to a GP about finding ways to help make the experience more pleasurable. Women can get nervous about sex if they think it will be painful. As her partner you want to make sure that she enjoys intimacy, showing that you care about her all round comfort and pleasure will earn you big points.

Expectations

Also bear in mind that it might not be that your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex but that she doesn’t want to do a particular thing which she thinks you may expect her to do. Having a proper conversation about what you both like and what is or isn’t okay will help clarify your positions on consent and give you both greater enjoyment.

If your girlfriend feels pressured into something, she may avoid sex altogether. This is especially true when considering contraception. You should never push your girlfriend to do anything she doesn’t want to do nor to have unprotected sex. Check out my article on condoms to find out how you can enjoy playing safe: Condoms: why you shouldn’t be reluctant to use them

What you can do

While you’re going through a dry spell, it might seem like the only answer is wanking. Well, you can help yourself by knocking one out but there are other options. Don’t be tempted to go elsewhere and cheat on your girlfriend, it won’t fix anything and will create issues! Instead of focusing on what you may be experiencing a lack of, focus on what’s good.

Have quality time with your girlfriend, even if that means it’s non sexual for the moment. Go out on a date night, getting drinks at your favourite bar or taking in a movie. Spend time with other friends or even spend some time apart. They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Reminding your girlfriend that you care about her and find her attractive is always a good thing. Whatever the reason for the dry spell is, you can work through it and get back to normal.