Should you feel guilty if you think of someone else in bed when you’re in a relationship? The chances are pretty high that your girlfriend has also thought of someone else in bed. So it can’t be that bad, right?
We’re all humans and thinking about different people in bed helps keep our sexual fantasies hot. It’s normal to think about people other than your partner. Just because you’ve committed to a relationship with one person, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to let your mind wander.
Yet a lot of the time we feel guilty if we think of someone else in bed. The question remains, why? Is it cheating to think of someone else in bed? Should you tell your partner about it?
Sexual fantasies – a part of human nature
It’s in our nature to have sexual fantasies. Whether we’re in a relationship or not, we often like to think of someone else in bed. It adds to variety and reflects the kind of naughty thoughts we’d like to do. After all if your girlfriend isn’t into anal for instance but you think anal is hot, it’s fair to say you might imagine your favourite porn star taking it in the ass instead.
That doesn’t mean that you want to actually have sex with that pornstar. (Although granted you might want to!) But just shows what you’re thinking about. It’s also normal to think about previous partners you’ve had or daydream about women you may never meet.
Part of the reason we have sexual fantasies is due to wanting to explore those ideas as a fantasy, often because we won’t actually do them. You might find the idea of cheating on your girlfriend and being caught erotic in your head, but hate the idea of actually being unfaithful. You ‘experience’ the fantasy during masturbation and enjoy some gratification from it. Without doing the deed.
Feeling guilty about having sexual fantasies is a common problem people feel. When you’re in a relationship, you may be committed to that person but still wonder about other experiences. Not wanting to cheat, you imagine it instead. If you think about someone else when you’re in bed though, you may feel more guilty.
I can honestly admit to having imagined someone else while having sex with somebody. Sometimes out of sheer curiosity to see if I could detach from the present action and imagine another guy. (I admit it was Dwayne Johnson so I think that’s my best excuse.) At others because I wasn’t necessarily as connected to my bed partner as I’d have liked and wanted to be aroused more by the fantasy.
Should we feel guilty? I’d say not. You don’t have total control over what goes on in your head and when it is a fantasy, there’s no harm done.
Having an affair
The situation is of course rather different when you’re thinking of someone else in bed because you’re actually having an affair. It’s a dangerous game to play as often affairs can become complicated and lead to messy break ups. But when you’re in one, it could be for different reasons.
People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, from just being a hedonist, to being unhappy in their relationship or just doing it because they can. Affairs born out of convenience are normally easier to detach from if there’s no emotions involved. Whereas affairs created out of an unhappy relationship may linger in your thoughts more.
When you’re in a relationship where you aren’t 100% happy, it’s pretty likely you’ll think of someone else in bed. Possibly due to a lack of sex or sexual satisfaction or due to there being an emotional connection with your mistress.
This can be problematic in your relationship as it can subconsciously push you away from your current partner. If you’re more attached to your mistress, you may deliberately put distance between yourself and your partner. Having sex with your official girlfriend out of obligation rather than actual desire. So you think of your mistress to be able to perform the deed rather than being honest.
Should you feel guilty? Probably a bit. When you have an affair, you’re cheating and deceiving one if not two people about it. Your partner deserves honesty or commitment, rather than being lied to and betrayed. Especially when there’s children involved who will also be hurt. Plus your mistress deserves better than being a booty call or second priority.
Getting your priorities in order and knowing what actually makes you happy will help solve the matter. When you choose a relationship, you should aim to do your best by that person. If your feelings change, be man enough to accept that and discuss it with her. Having an affair won’t solve the unhappiness, it nearly always just makes matters worse.
Do women think of someone else in bed too?
Absolutely. Nearly everybody thinks about someone else in bed at some point. Whether we do it once or regularly, it’s part of human nature to be curious. Sexual fantasies let you explore ideas that turn you on in a ‘safe’ way. Without actually having to do any of them in real life which might cause harm.
Women are just as sexual as men, even if that’s in a different way. Thinking about things you enjoy in bed is normal. Sometimes your current partner doesn’t tick a certain box, so you think of someone who does. Maybe because their persona/appearance fulfils the fantasy or they enjoy something your partner doesn’t. So you daydream about it and get a kick from it. While being faithful.
Women and men both do it and you shouldn’t feel guilty about having fantasies. Just make sure they are legal and ideally, more moral than taboo. Though taboo fantasies also have their place – better in your head sometimes than in real life!