Being in a sexless relationship isn’t always that fun. If it’s just a temporary dry patch then you can get over it and get back to fun. But when your sexless relationship is the default position, it’s harder.
Knowing why your relationship has become sexless can sometimes be tough. Especially when you still feel connected to each other but just aren’t getting it on. Unfortunately life often gets in the way of having the sex life you ideally want but it doesn’t have to mean you stay in a sexless relationship.
Sexless relationships can be frustrating for both partners, especially if one side is more keen to have sex than the other. It can happen due to emotional distance or conflict in the relationship arising which then becomes an obstacle to intimacy. Being able to overcome the issues you’re having though will lead to a better relationship with more satisfaction for both of you.
1. Sexual incompatibility
When there’s issues with sexual incompatibility in a relationship, couples can often struggle to connect. Early in the relationship, it might not be obvious that there is sexual incompatibility. The honeymoon period of dating can lull you into a false sense of security.
Because everything is new and exciting, awkward encounters may be chalked down to inexperience. Getting into bed with anyone new can be awkward at the best of times even when you ultimately have good sex. But for a couple who aren’t compatible sexually, they may end up focusing on the emotional elements of their fledgling romance and ignore the issues.
When you really like someone, are attracted to them and want it to work, you overlook a lot. If your partner doesn’t always make you climax but is your type emotionally and has other good qualities, you might ignore the orgasm issue. Yet while early on this isn’t necessarily a problem, later in the relationship it may be.
Sexual compatibility is key to having a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship. Just because you find someone attractive, like their personality and care about them though doesn’t always equal having sexual satisfaction in the bedroom.
In a sexless relationship, one or both partners may be feel unsatisfied with their sex life. Whether it’s due to not having sex regularly enough, having the wrong kind of sex or just not being aroused by their partner. For whatever reason, they may then find themselves avoiding sex or at least not making as much effort.
The solution to sexual incompatibility
Sexless relationships don’t always mean that there’s absolutely zero sex, but that it may be very infrequent or that there is intimacy but not penetration. When this is a more long term factor, it can lead to other issues in the relationship such as emotional distance developing, affairs happening and loss of confidence.
Another reason why you may have a sexless relationship due to sexual incompatibility is down to a loss of libido. Everybody has a different sex drive and if one partner loses their libido, sex may become less frequent or be less satisfying.
The best way to tackle potential sexual incompatibility is to talk to your partner. While it can feel awkward having to have a conversation about it, being honest and open with each other will help improve your sex life together. Find what both of you enjoy and maybe explore ways to make sex exciting again.
2. Feeling unwanted – emotional distance
When there’s emotional distance in a relationship, it usually affects the dynamics in the bedroom too. If somebody feels unwanted emotionally, they may also feel unwanted sexually. Hence a otherwise good relationship becomes sexless due to the emotional challenges affecting the couple.
For women, emotional closeness to their partner can be more important than it is to men. If your girlfriend feels rejected by you, her attitude towards sex may change. Instead of feeling wanted, she feels ignored and so stops making sexual advances towards you and becomes more introverted.
Falling into a sexless relationship depression is a real issue when there’s prolonged emotional distance between a couple. Even if both partners still find each other attractive and want to have sex, if they go through a dry spell, one may wrongly assume that there’s an emotional reason to explain the abstinence.
As such having assumed the worst, a partner may close down sexually and retreat into themselves. This is especially common after a betrayal or other kinds of upheaval within a relationship.
Reassure your girlfriend that you do care about her and want her sexually. If she tries to start intimacy when you’re not in the mood, be careful not to make her feel rejected by showing disinterest. Even if you don’t want to have full sex due to being tired or just not horny, you can touch her and cuddle up. Letting her feel close to you rather than risking her feeling unwanted.
3. Cheating – the elephant in the room
Cheating is another common symptom of sexless relationships. It doesn’t take a genius to realise that if you aren’t having sex with each other but both still want sex, then there’s a chance that you may be having sex elsewhere.
Not everybody who is in a sexless marriage seeks alternative relations through cheating. However in a lot of cases, not having sex often and feeling unwanted can lead to one or both partners cheating. Affairs happen for various reasons even when you are having regular sex together but if you aren’t, it’s a bigger risk.
Equally when one of you has cheated and the affair is exposed, your relationship may then become sexless. This is due to the emotional betrayal affecting the level of intimacy in your relationship. It’s not surprising that if you feel hurt by someone, you may not want to get frisky with them.
Plus cheating often reinforces insecurities and feelings of being unwanted for the partner who has been betrayed. While the cheater may then resent their partner for not fulfilling their desires in the same way as the affair did.
The solution to this sexless relationship cause
The solution to this cause of a sexless relationship is harder to pin down. Ultimately, if you both want to stay in your relationship then you need to make an effort to improve your situation. Any cheating needs to stop and talking about your feelings around the betrayal can help begin to move forward.
Recovering from an affair is difficult and takes time. A lot of couples consider marriage counselling or taking a break for a while to decide if their relationship can be repaired. Knowing what both of you want and finding ways to achieve it is best. While many marriage breakdowns end in divorce due to cheating, those that survive can often come back stronger than before.
Improving a sexless relationship after cheating though can be more challenging than just reconnecting emotionally. Focus on the things you both enjoy together and try to reclaim the spark you had. By making time for each other, you can restore intimacy you’ve lost. Be patient with yourselves.
4. Health
Health is another major factor in why some people have sexless relationships. If one of you is experiencing a health problem, sex can often be the last thing on your mind. This is especially true during more serious health issues like cancer where chemotherapy can kill your libido.
When you or your partner is going to recover from the health issue, patience will help you ride out the dry spell. Although it may take more effort to rebuild the intimacy you had before. On the other hand, some health matters aren’t temporary and can be more long term or even get worse over time.
In a sexless relationship, trying to take control of your health and connecting can help ease the situation. You don’t have to have full blown sex to feel close to each other. Nor does it mean that you have to end up feeling emotionally distant or unwanted. Instead making time for each other and improving your health as much as you can, should help solve the issues.
5. Erectile dysfunction
Another health condition which can negatively impact a relationship is erectile dysfunction. Having erectile dysfunction on occasion is a normal thing for men to experience. Most men struggle to maintain an erection sometimes. It can be due to performance anxiety, their health or difficulties in their relationship.
When you experience erectile dysfunction, it’s easy to feel like you’re letting your girlfriend down. Or to lose your confidence in being able to perform and please her. Staying positive about your sex life though will help stop a small issue becoming a bigger one.
A lot of men are able to handle temporary erectile dysfunction without seeking medical help. But if it becomes a more lasting problem, speaking to your doctor can help find a solution. It doesn’t have to lead to being in a sexless relationship. Even if you don’t have penetrative sex, you can still have sex in other ways.
Focus on reassuring your partner you find her attractive and finding alternative ways to enjoy intimacy. Visiting a doctor will also help you find some assistance towards raising your flagpole on time, every time.