Sex is something we all enjoy but we also know how it can change during a long term relationship or marriage. When we first start seeing somebody, sex is new and exciting. It’s just the beginning of getting to know what you both enjoy. But what to do when it stops being like that and you have to work hard to make sex exciting again?
The initial phase of exploring what you both enjoy, getting to know each other’s bodies and trying new things is wicked. You’re both into each other as it’s still so fresh and exciting. As you get to know each other more, the awkward fumbles become smoother. Or at least you’d hope so – after all, practice makes perfect!
But once the honeymoon phase begins to fade, it’s easy to fall into routine. When you first start dating you want to be with each other all the time. You make an effort to arrange dates and will actively look forward to time together. Sex is on the top of the to-do list because you’re both super keen.
Yet after a while, you can notice a slight drop off in sex. It’s not to say you won’t still enjoy sex or fancy each other, but just that the urgency is less. It may still excite you but you aren’t as obsessed about getting frisky.
Domestic bliss
Whether you live together or not can also have an influence on your sex life. Though in more long term relationships, you may well move in together. Domestic bliss begins and you can again notice a shift. Depending on how much you both work, seeing each other every day may be more or less than it was before.
If you both have busy jobs and lives, being able to see each other everyday can be a great thing. In the early days, you have to adjust to what it’s like living as a couple. Dirty dishes don’t do themselves and the fantasy snapshots of date night might seem like the distant past. But it doesn’t have to be.
Some people can become complacent as they take their partners for granted. Knowing that they’ll be there everyday might make some people forget that they need to make an effort. Not just in the emotional aspects of the relationship and the challenges of living together. But also in the bedroom.
Sex can easily become boring when you keep doing it the same way. Nobody wants a roll in the sack to feel like a routine. Living together can produce stress and if you have a family, it can sometimes be harder to get time to still be a couple. Or if you have a house share, it might feel awkward getting down and dirty while your housemate is watching TV in the lounge. But rest assured there is a solution to make sex exciting again.
Making time for sex
An obvious thing to do is to actually make time for sex. On average, most couples are thought to have sex once a week. Four times a month might sound okay if you’re busy but when you have high drives, used to have a lot of sex or have commitments that make you even busier, it’s easy for this to become boring or get forgotten.
Setting aside time for a proper date night can help you connect. Not just by spending quality time together away from friends and family or work but also intimately. We all know how at the end of a long day, sex might be the last thing we’re in the mood for.
Being tired or stressed are major reasons why sex is forgotten. Or becomes a brief thing done to scratch an itch rather than being a fulfilling and enjoyable experience. If you create a set time for date night or make the effort to go to bed earlier, you can beat some of the midweek blues in the bud.
Maybe making time isn’t the issue but the quality of the time you spend together is. Rather than having a quickie, try to slow things down and connect. Some tantric sex practices (link to tantric piece) can really help you come closer as a couple. Slowing down and focusing more on enjoying the whole experience can make your eventual orgasm stronger and more pleasurable.
Trying new things will make sex exciting again
Focus on what you both enjoy in bed. If things feel a little mundane, you can try spicing it up. You don’t have to do anything major, but simply making an effort with some nice undies or even a trip to a hotel can set the mood and make sex exciting again.
If you don’t feel like going away, you can try opening a bottle of wine and lighting some candles at home. Showing your partner that you’ve made the effort to get close will make her feel special. Being romantic can easily be forgotten in long term relationships so try and capture some of what made you guys happy together to begin with.
If you do want to be more creative, you could try exploring new things to try. Whether that’s introducing toys into the bedroom, watching some erotic movies together or just shaking up dynamics. Maybe one of you always takes the lead (link to dominant article), instead try switching it around. You might want to play submissive (link to submissive men piece) while letting your lady be the boss.
There are so many things to try in the bedroom that aren’t mundane. Whether it’s shaking it up with rimming, trying anal, bondage or even roleplay – the sky is the limit. And trust us, all these things will help get sex exciting again.
Being happy together
You don’t have to do anything wild to reconnect. If vanilla sex is good for you, that’s great. Just finding ways of maintaining your sexual chemistry can help. Often as relationships become more long term, chemistry levels can change. Whether that increases or decreases can vary over time and is a normal thing.
Maybe you or your partner don’t quite look the way you did when you first met. It might be an improvement or you might feel like things have gone pear shaped – literally. Issues around confidence and not feeling as attractive can sometimes come in the way of couples connecting in the bedroom.
Reassure your partner that you find her attractive. If she gets upset because she has doubts, she’ll appreciate your compliments and knowing that she still sizzles. Maybe you feel like you could improve things about yourself, there’s no reason not to look at self-improvement. Eating right, dressing in a way that makes you feel good and doing fun things will all make you a happier and healthier person.
If any challenges arise in your relationship which makes it harder to connect sexually, good communication is key to solving any problems. Both of you want to be happy and if you find a way to discuss your feelings, it will really help and make sex exciting again. If you haven’t already, be sure to read our article about the reason your girlfriend might not want to have sex.