If your girl doesn’t have an orgasm it’s normal to wonder why. There’s a whole range of reasons why women might not climax during sex. Even when they enjoyed it and connect with their partner.
Porn might lead you to believe that women orgasm every time they have sex. Videos depict the female orgasm as a vocal, expressive and likely messy affair. Yet in real life, a lot of women struggle to orgasm during sex. Around 75% of women report being unable to climax through penetrative sex alone.
When you and your girl are getting intimate, the chances are you value her pleasure too. It’s an experience which both of you want to enjoy. Unsurprisingly, we associate enjoying sex with an orgasm. Although many people – both men and women – can enjoy sex without orgasm at all.
Sex on the brain
When your girl doesn’t have an orgasm during sex, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t enjoyed the experience. Depending on her mood and hormone levels, she may find it harder or easier to climax at different times. The female orgasm relies on physical stimulation and mental arousal. So if she’s stressed out, she may find it harder to climax or if she’s tired, she might not have the energy.
Focusing on orgasm during sex can actually be counterproductive. Sex is more than just having a bit of foreplay, putting a penis in a vagina and then reaching orgasm. There’s emotional closeness and mental arousal in the mix too. As well as matters of sexual chemistry and compatibility.
Some sexual practices like Tantric sex actually encourage individuals to shift their focus away from orgasm and instead enjoy the whole experience. Often by putting too much focus on orgasm, other sensations get ignored. Meaning that the orgasm ‘tunnel vision’ creates unnecessary pressure on both parties and can detract from the wider pleasures of sexual intimacy.
When your girl doesn’t have an orgasm, it’s easy to think it’s your fault. Worrying about why she hasn’t had an orgasm or getting nervous about if she will climax or not can be counter productive. But nearly everybody has concerns around sexual performance at some stage in their lives.
Performance anxiety
Getting nerves during sex is normal. Performance anxiety can affect people of all ages, both when they first start having sex and throughout life. Although younger people may experience it more so due to inexperience, it’s something that can crop up at any time.
For men, performance anxiety can be more problematic than for women. Getting nervous in the bedroom might lead to difficulties with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Both of which are common issues some men face and can be resolved fairly simply.
When your girl doesn’t have an orgasm during sex, you may question your own sexual performance. Thinking that the issue is with you being unable to make her cum. It’s normal to worry about your sexual performance, nearly all men do at some stage in their lives.
Why a girl doesn’t have an orgasm
Often women who don’t orgasm during sex, might attribute part of it down to their own nerves rather than any fault of their partner’s. For women who get nervous in bed, they may struggle to relax enough for orgasm. Some women tighten up so much with nerves that they’re unable to have sex altogether (vaginismus).
Whereas for others, they may have sex but deliberately avoid orgasm due to being embarrassed or just be unable. When porn shows vocal women who are very expressive during orgasm, some girls feel under pressure to perform in the same way. Meaning that they can become too self conscious about how they look or act during orgasm to actually have one.
These are just some of the reasons why women may not orgasm:
- Stress, feeling under pressure in bed
- Loss of libido
- Being unable to relax, lack of sexual confidence
- Needing more oral sex
- Not getting enough stimulation to their clit/g-spot
- Needing dual stimulation to climax rather than just one approach
- Wrong sex positions/awkward poses which make it hard to relax
- Being tired or just a bit out of sorts
- Finding it harder to get excited during sex
- Sex not lasting long enough for them to orgasm (we have this article on sex hacks to make sex last longer)
Female orgasm 101
When you’re in bed with a girl, it’s fair to say you want to do well. This is usually true for both casual sex and sex in a relationship. Although you may feel under more pressure to make her orgasm if you’re a couple.
If you associate pleasing her with making her orgasm, you’re not alone. But finding how to make her orgasm can sometimes be more difficult. All women are different and the female orgasm is arguably more complex than the male. So finding out what works for her in the bedroom will help increase the chance of giving her an orgasm.
Talk about what you both enjoy in bed. Specifically try to get her to open up about what makes her cum. Women can orgasm in different ways, whether through oral stimulation, penetrative or both. For some girls, orgasm is only possible for them through oral sex or using a sex toy rather than through penetration.
Whereas for other women, they may only orgasm through a combination of methods or through penetrative sex alone. This is often influenced by how sensitive their clitoris is and whether they enjoy g-spot stimulation.
Tips to help her orgasm
To help your girl have an orgasm during sex, try to engage in more of the activities that make her cum. For penetrative sex, it may help to focus on the kind of sex positions you’re doing. If she climaxes through clitoral and vaginal stimulation, wearing a cock ring may help give her extra sensation during sex.
During some sex positions like doggie and spoons, your hands are more free to touch her elsewhere. Buying a simple sex toy like a bullet vibrator can easily give her clit some attention while you thrust inside her.
Giving your girl an orgasm doesn’t have to involve your penis, using her favourite sex toy on her can also be pleasurable. There’s no reason to feel inadequate if you use toys as it’s just designed to increase the enjoyment for both of you. Rather than replacing anything you may worry you lack.
Sex doesn’t have to include orgasms on every occasion but talking about what you both enjoy will help you find ways which work for both of you. With any lasting sexual problems, you can also consider seeing your doctor for further advice.