You might wonder if there’s sexual incompatibility when two submissive people have sex. After all, we’re used to seeing couple dynamics where one person leads and is more dominant than their more submissive partner.
Now not many people are a real life Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele but it’s fair to say there’s usually a dynamic in the bedroom. Everybody has different sexual preferences and may vary between being assertive and being more passive.
Sex changes a lot based on your mood, who you’re having sex with and just the basic situation you’re in. If you’re more sexually experienced you might be more comfortable taking the lead. Whereas if your girlfriend isn’t as confident in bed, she may choose to be more submissive as a default position.
A lot of people like vanilla sex and there’s nothing boring about just liking vanilla sex. While other people may be beginners who want to try easy kinks or might be more experienced with alternative sex. Anal sex, spanking, rimming, bondage and dominance/submission are things we’ve all heard about or seen in porn.
What an individual likes is entirely up to them and naturally there’s no reason to be prescriptive about sexuality. If it floats your boat then that’s fair game, as long as it’s legal and consensual obviously. But is there a thing like sexual incompatibility?
Dominant & submissive = sexual compatibility?
Society tends to like polar opposites. Salt vs sugar, black vs white, the whore vs the madonna and the dominant partner vs the submissive. Nature often works with opposite ideas forming a natural pairing of male and female, big and small to find the ‘ideal match.’
So when two submissive people have sex together, you might question whether there’s sexual incompatibility. Porn videos often favour one character taking the lead sexually in initiating events. Often this is shown as a guy starting to make moves on a girl although more female-centric porn is proving popular.
In real life, we also end up thinking that one partner is meant to kick things off and naturally guide sex along. Often this does happen as somebody will be more frisky than the other and it all clicks into play. But we also hear a lot about it being more difficult when there’s a submissive partner who doesn’t ever start sex.
This understandably might mean that the more confident or dominant partner starts things instead. Which isn’t necessarily an issue but if both partners are submissive, it might be that this more passive approach can be problematic.
Stereotypes around submissive sexuality
Being sexually submissive has historically been connected more towards women. Stereotyping men as dominant sexually while labelling women as submissive has always been a common way of viewing human sexuality. A large part of this thinking though connects more to social structures and religion than it does to the actual biology of humans and sex.
The media portrays men as being the ones who instigate sexual encounters. Society historically has played into this narrative by supporting the view that men make the decisions around sex and marriage. Both for themselves and for women they hold influence over.
While women’s rights are now receiving the recognition they deserve. Saying that there is gender equality internationally is a far stretch from the reality. All major world religions have placed men in positions of power where they govern what is and isn’t acceptable sexually.
Marriages have always been arranged between males of two families with the female voice largely being ignored. Unsurprisingly then the idea that men always have to propose or ask a girl out on a date has darker undertones. Suggesting that men as the more dominant character, also control the sex life they have and that of their female partners.
Why be submissive?
We know that women aren’t always submissive and the increases in freedom women now get to experience encourages female empowerment. Women are being shown as protagonists in their stories more rather than being passive. Greater legal freedom has changed social views and given women more voice.
Now society recognises that both men and women can be either dominant or submissive. There is an increasing demand for dominant women in porn and in everyday life. More and more men report finding a confident woman who knows what she wants in life (and in bed) to be very attractive.
All of this is positive but it can leave people a bit unsure why someone would be submissive. Being dominant in the bedroom is often seen as a good thing as it shows confidence or skill. It isn’t all about 50 Shades of Grey domination and being submissive is more complex than just being passive.
There’s a whole range of reasons why somebody may be submissive sexually. Some people are more submissive in everyday life and prefer to follow instructions from more assertive people. They may choose to take jobs which are less responsible and have less pressure.
This could be due to finding decision making intimidating or not being confident in their own ability. Often a lack in confidence or experience may translate into somebody not wanting to try and progress further or take on more responsibility. This can extend from everyday life choices into the bedroom.
Someone who is younger than their partner may lean towards being submissive due to lacking experience. Or just enjoy somebody else taking the lead. Yet equally people who are dominant in their normal demeanour, may choose to be submissive sexually so that they can unwind.
It’s no surprise that people who are submissive sexually may deliberately seek out a more dominant partner. As that suits their interests better but submissive people do also date others who are also submissive. Which is where some challenges may arise although they don’t have to.
Sexual incompatibility?
When two people are both submissive in the bedroom, it’s fair to say that concerns around sexual incompatibility could hold some weight. Should neither partner want to initiate sex, it might appear as though sex is unlikely to happen.
Submissive people usually like to take a more serving role during sex where they enjoy their partner taking the lead. This can mean that submissive people are sometimes more passive sexually and may appear more of a ‘recipient’ of sex than somebody who actively gives direction to intercourse.
But submission in itself doesn’t translate to a lack of libido. Nor a lack of sexual interest in their partner even if somebody does identify as being more submissive. It’s a common misconception to think that someone who is submissive is always submissive in the bedroom.
There is a wide range within submission and domination where people may rank across a big spectrum. Someone who is submissive today with one partner may be more dominant next week with the same partner. People who change roles may be known as a “switch” within the kink world.
Does this make couples sexually incompatible?
Two people who are both submissive don’t have to lead to sexual incompatibility. But it can often pose a challenge if neither party takes an active role or makes decisions. Somebody who is less submissive than their partner may lean more towards being dominant to resolve the impasse.
For couples who do struggle with being sexually compatible, finding a compromise which works and allows them to have an enjoyable sex life is often the way forward. It could mean that they decide to include other more dominant people in their relationship in order to shake up the dynamic.
Submissive men may enjoy being cuckolded by a more dominant male who has sex with their partner instead. Linking into a more psychological level of swinging and threesomes. The same can be true for submissive women who enjoy the ‘cuckquean’ fetish of watching a male partner have sex with another woman.
Deal breaker?
Two submissive people having a relationship don’t have to find this to be a deal breaker. Many couples who are more submissive naturally find ways of enjoying their relationship and having sex.
Although others may default towards a more sexless relationship, particularly if they have a lower libido. You can ask your girl to be more dominant and give her more confidence to change it up.
As couples grow in confidence, a natural dynamic will often emerge which helps resolve any awkwardness to start.
What do you think about sexual incompatibility? Is it unavoidable if two submissives end up in bed together?